Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Devil Went Down to UN

The general assembly whispered and clamored and mumbled to one another. The Devil was scheduled to speak. They thought it ridiculous. What if this "devil" was a poser, a fraud, a filmmaker with a hidden camera to record and expose the naivete and stupidity of the UN Assembly.

The announcer stepped to the podium and spoke to the microphone. "Ladies and gentlemen, the"--there was a pause--"Devil."

From the back of the room, the doors swung open. The Devil was dressed in a red suit with a white tie. He wore a hat, held a cane, and was eating an apple. He sauntered down the center aisle, and there was a creature mounted on his left shoulder. It wasn't an animal of any sorts. If it were, it was on fire.

When the Devil got to the podium, he took off his hat, revealing his hair which glinted like they were made of gold. He was beauty. And the men and women of the assembly felt their lust roiling within their loins.

"Let me cut to the chase," said the Devil, "I'm close friends with God, despite what you've read in your texts. You already know who I am—Lucifer, Beelzebub, Satan, Devil."

He took a bite of his apple.

"There's a situation happening in Heaven, Limbo and Hell."

"Diablo!" interrupted Italy's representative. She threw her shoe at the Devil. He held up his hand, and the shoe froze in the air. The devil snatched the shoe and gave it to the creature on his shoulder. It gnawed at it like a mangy rodent.

"Anyway. Back to my address. There's a situation happening in the nether realms. Hell is full. New souls are being dumped in Limbo, and soon that will be filled to capacity."

The devil took a bite of his apple.

"There's room in Heaven. Lots of room! He's disappointed with you all. But also, He's disappointed with Himself. After He spoke to Jesus and Buddha, he finally admitted that he was wrong in a lot of places."

The creature interrupted with a burp. The shoe was finished.

"God wants to take back the ten commandments and the Bible. And He asked me to tell everyone in the world His one commandment: have fun, but not in the expense of others. So make laws based on that, not on the old texts that He regrets."

Whispers and mumbles swelled in the hall.

"There it is. Simple as that. I've never had faith in all of you, but He did. But don't worry. Most of you won't make it to Hell because it's overflowing.

"So I urge you," the Devil turned to the camera and stared at the billion eyes that watched, "be nice. Else, when there's no room in Hell..."

The devil winked, put on his hat and stepped off the podium. The hall clamored for more. What was the threat? What would happen if they don't change their ways? But the Devil continued on, walking the center aisle with a relaxed gait, and exited through the double doors.

His job was done, but believed it didn't matter.

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